Sports Perspectives

By Beaker

Toronto – An exasperated Maple Leafs franchise is holding public interviews for a possible job opening with the team. “Kinda like how the Philadelphia Eagles did in that movie ‘Invincible’” explained Maple Leafs President Don Peddie. “What an inspirational movie.”

For his part, TSN hockey analyst and former goalie Glen Healey is not shy about his ambition to take over the aimless but historical franchise.

“Look, I’m not saying I’ll be worse than John Jr. but what have they got to lose? If you’re going to be bad why not be the best at it? It’s not like MLSE care. They make a killing off hopeless, die-hard Maple Leafs fans.”

Intersportswire interviewed Healey in a posh Toronto parking lot as he sat comfortably in his robe and slippers.

He looked over the harbor and thought aloud. “I can run the English national soccer team as well. How hard can it be?

A trade here, a draft pick there, a field goal here and we’ll be sitting pretty in no time. You know those three little lions on the English crest? Yeah, well, at the moment they may as well be three little pigs the way they play. Stink-a-roni!”

I asked him what he thought the Leafs miss most. Healey responded, “Nap time.”

He continued, “Laugh, but sleep is soooo important in today’s NHL. Without a power nap you can’t concentrate and without focus you can’t execute your on-ice assignments. Suddenly your plus/minus rating shoots up like bad cholesterol. Like a junkie needing his fix. Like…I got nothing.”

Sure Glen.

Rumour has it that the English FA is considering Healey as a candidate to take over the England job.

“Maybe our problem is that we don’t think outside the box. The lads are depressed. We don’t know what to do,” an anonymous cape-wearing member of the FA told Intersportswire’s yours truly.

As the world shrinks like a penis in water, globalization links us all in ways we never imagined. Glen Healey is an internationalist and visionary with big, pointless plans.

As if he did not provide enough material, he chimed in with one final thought. “I love sock puppets. They give me the edge I need to succeed in life.”

Note: Auditions for the Toronto Maple Leafs job will be held at Second City on Friday, December 14, 2007. Applicants are asked to bring a transcript proving they completed high school.