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Eric Byrnes' Comeuppance Equals South Florida's "Up 'N Come-ance"
Written by Matt Sussman   
Monday, 22 October 2007

Batting Around is BC Sports' look back at the week's happenings in the world o' sports, presented in a lineup card format for some undisclosed reason.

The Lineup Card

1. CF Eric Byrnes
2. QB Matt Grothe
3. SG Kobe Bryant
4. LF Manny Ramirez
5. #"60" Carl Edwards
6. DE Paul Spicer
7. RB Adrian Peterson
8. G Niklas Backstrom
9. RP Rafael Betancourt
Manager: Dusty Baker

1. CF Eric Byrnes — I guess this is how karma works. One minute you say the Colorado Rockies weren't outplaying your Arizona Diamondbacks, and then in Game 4 you ground into the final out of the NLCS.

Byrnes' reward? If history is any indication, he must now sit next to Jeanie Zelasko during the World Series as a guest studio analyst. Tough break, bro.

2. QB Matt Grothe — He's the quarterback of the No. 2 BCS-ranked football team in America. And his school's football program didn't even exist until a year before the inception of the BCS.

Grothe threw for 212 yards and ran for exactly 100 yards, totaling four touchdowns in a 64-12 blowout of in-state directional rival Central Florida. The USF Bulls are now 6-0, one of six undefeated teams, but virtually all computer rankings dictate that USF's wins are by far the most impressive, including wins over West Virginia and at Auburn.

In 1996, South Florida didn't have varsity football. But this year, if they win their final six games — at Rutgers, at UConn, at Syracuse, at Pittsburgh, and home against Cincinnati and Louisville — they are going to be in the BCS Championship game.

South Florida. In the BCS Championship. It wouldn't exactly be a Boise State-type Cinderella story, because USF is actually in a BCS conference. But to understand the youth of the program, consider that the rest of the BCS's top ten teams have been on record playing organized football games at least 100 years before USF football ever existed:

• No. 1 Ohio State - football program began in 1890
• No. 3 Boston College - football program began in 1893
• No. 4 LSU - football program began in 1893
• No. 5 Oklahoma - football program began in 1895
• No. 6 South Carolina - football program began in 1892
• No. 7 Kentucky - football program began in 1881
• No. 8 Arizona State - football program began in 1897
• No. 9 West Virginia - football program began in 1891
• No. 10 Oregon - football program began in 1894

3. SG Kobe Bryant — I haven't heard any trade demands out of Los Angeles. I was getting worried there for a while.

Ah, here we are. By the start of the season Bryant could be playing for the Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, Phoenix Suns, Miami Heat, or about a dozen other teams?

Well, no. Having a trade rumor verified means it no longer ceases to be a rumor. Bryant is building up his legacy in LA as such: every offseason he must endure unfounded reports that he wanted out of LA. True or not to his sentiments, Bryant will never accept a trade to another team, nor will the Lakers have it. With a mediocre team, this certainly is the best way to grab headlines away from LeBron and the Cavaliers, or Kevin Durant and the SuperSonics. Or, ya know, the San Antonio Spurs.

4. LF Manny Ramirez — I've heard some criticism on ManRam for the way he posed after his solo home run Tuesday night, bringing his team within four runs in a postseason game. Yes, it's typically bad to flaunt one's power hitting abilities when the deficit is still too large for a save situation.

But consider that Ramirez's home run was the third of three straight home runs by the Red Sox in that sixth inning, just the second trio ever to accomplish that feat in the postseason. Consider further that the other team who did that — the 1997 Yankees (Scott Brosious, Derek Jeter, Paul O'Neill — lost that series to the Indians in five games.

5. #"60" Carl Edwards — What's not to like about this clean-nosed, polite, many-toothed race car driver? His backflip off his car window after wins is quite entertaining. You could just get lost in this animated GIF.

But here's something not to like — he's a goddamn ringer in NASCAR's "minor league," the Busch Series. Edwards, currently fifth in the points chase, is also first in the Busch series by 638 points over David Reutimann.

There's nothing wrong with racing in Busch series to get a hint for how the track will handle for the next day's race. But to complete in every single race, lead the circuit in winnings, top 10 finishes, top 5 finishes, and be second in wins (to fellow Nextel Cup Chase qualifier Kevin Harvick), something's just not right.

Michigan doesn't play in the Rose Bowl one year, then try to make the FCS playoffs, do they? Actually, never mind. Maybe they should give that a go.

6. DE Paul Spicer — Now, I could be completely wrong about what Spicer said regarding his football teams' cheerleaders. But after he recorded six tackles, including one sack and a forced fumble in the Jacksonville Jaguars' 37-17 demolishing of the Houston Texans, Spicer talked to ESPN Radio and provided loosely what is this week's Batting Sixth Quote of the Week:

We got some hard lookin' cheerleaders.
Is he sure about that? Let me see here ... yep. Total uggos if you ask me. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find the valet and have him retrieve my Porsche. I have to take Petra Nemcova to her latest fashion show in Milan.

(Tangent on the Jags: Can we begin debate on whether or not Jacksonville can take down the Patriots this year? They wouldn't meet until the playoffs, but this is one hell of an impressive team.)

7. RB Adrian Peterson — They call him Purple Jesus over at Kissing Suzy Kolber. In Chicago, they call him that guy for the Minnesota Vikings who ran though their defense for 224 yards, three touchdowns, and 361 all-purpose yards in a 34-31 win.

Chicago's running back, also named Adrian Peterson, had just 53 all-purpose yards. The one in Minnesota was last seen muttering, "Why should I change my name? He's the one who sucks."

8. G Niklas Backstrom — If I didn't give hockey its due time, I'd be doing a disservice to America Canada and some of the northern states.

The only unbeaten team through six games this year in the NHL is the 5-0-1 Minnesota Wild, and you can thank their goaltender for that. With a 4-0-1 record, the Finn is only allowing 1.38 goals/game, which is exponentially snazzy when you consider that two of his seven goals allowed were even strength. He also has two shutouts.

(Personal note: the only sport my new girlfriend will follow is hockey, and this may dictate how much I learn about the sport. Or am forced to.)

9. RP Rafael Betancourt — Ya know, I might have to go with Tom Verducci on this one. If the Indians win the ALCS, Rafael Betancourt has every reason to be considered as the series MVP (third item). Just don't let him give a speech during the award presentation. Given how long he takes to pitch on the mound, the Fox telecast might give Betancourt the Frank Sinatra treatment.

Manager: Dusty Baker — Well, the Cincinnati Reds have their manager ... and Cincinnati Reds fans are not happy about it.

I'm not seeing all the ruckus over the signing. Yes, his managerial record was progressively worse with every passing year as the Cubs manager, but it's not like he took a historically successful franchise and ran it into the ground. So granted, the name Dusty Baker doesn't immediately cast a resonating image of victory in one's mind, but would any manager out there really do that?

Joe Girardi, you say? Yeah, maybe they should've gone with him then.
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Satire: LeBron and the Magic Yankees Cap
Written by Tuffy R. Tuffenstein   
Monday, 22 October 2007

From the Desk of Maverick Carter, Agent to LeBron James

Subject: The Yankees Cap

LeBron James apologizes to the cities of Cleveland and New York City for supporting the Yankees in the 2007 playoffs and then backing his friends and his community by cheering for the Indians after they eliminated the Yankees in convincing fashion.

As noted by the éminence grise of Turner Sports, Craig Sager, Mr. James expressed devotion in the most successful teams of his prepubescence. Mr. Sager referred to Mr. James as a "front-runner," which was of course true when he was 7. He has stuck to those teams since, rooting for the local franchises only out of an esprit de corps with those around him.

Mr. James now understands his role as a sports fan much better. He understands he cannot have divided loyalties or express opinions that are mildly controversial.

He pledges to rend his garments in desperation when the Yankees lose. He will call for the ouster of one or more participants in the Yankees season as a sacrifice upon the altar of public outrage and then caress the blood into his skin. He shall keep no counsel besides that of Jim from Akron, calling Richie and the Raunchster at WHAT in Cleveland.

He shall also cease to enjoy any sporting event except through the prism of his beloved Yankees. All other teams' home parks shall be visited by Mr. James during the 2007-2008 NBA season, whereupon he shall urinate on the wall of the park and then walk around the outside of the premises, shouting, "Who dat, Babe Ruth! Who dat!"

Any mention of another ballplayer that does not serve the Yankees shall be followed by a series of expletives and spitting upon the ground, even if he should be friends with said athlete or share the same agent. A direct confrontation with a non-Yankee player shall cause Mr. James to invite said player to orally pleasure himself immediately.

Finally, once the searing pain of the Yankees' defeat in 2008 is assured, he promises to put a revolver in his mouth and splatter his brains against the wall in a convincing rendition of Suzyn Waldman's breakdown. Clearly, this will be the only way to prove his lack of sophistication and make him more like the "fan's fan." He hopes you can find it in your hearts to forgive him.

P.S. The Sudan can piss up a rope. 

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Discover Your Future at the Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law
Written by Tuffy R. Tuffenstein   
Friday, 12 October 2007
Have you imagined yourself in a school where skullduggery and deception is nourished and stimulated? Where all your whining can be referred to as "billable hours"?  The Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, recognizes your passion to lift your profile and succeed, hopefully at the expense of your teammates and coaches.

At the Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law, we provide law degrees* in Clubhouse Law with a variety of concentrations, from Sowing Discontent to Convicting Your Teammate in the Court of Public Opinion. We also provide extension courses in a variety of topics for beer league clubhouse paralegals.
"Come to the Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law and learn all the tricks that got me six major league ball caps in the last eight seasons of my career!" - El Presidente Orlando Cepeda (the Baby Bull himself)
The campus, located on the expansive Alou family compound (legends in the clubhouse litigation business), offers state-of-the-art clubhouse simulators with real former beat writers and ex-managers to practice new skills and test theories on. Also, the scenic views and cheap bars allow you to practice your post-game exploits as well.
"I became beloved in the whole major leagues with the redeeming social qualities of a cockroach in the middle of the breeding process, all thanks to the Alous!" - Omar Vizquel
Our unique method of portfolio assessment puts in you a small group setting and forces you to convince the reporters and teammates that you are the misunderstood genius of the locker room because you like to read books without pictures and just need a fair shake. If you sell your point of view to the assembled while knifing everyone else in the back, you pass!
"It's not just a name; it's a way of life. Thanks, Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law!" - Lawyer Milloy
Courses include:

  • How to Tell the Beat Writer About Your Opinion and Make Him Think He Teased It Out of You
  • How to Form an Opinion (remedial)
  • Using the Internet to Extend Your Clientele (with Professor Curt Schilling)
  • How to Avoid the Promotion to Clubhouse Cancer
  • Make Your Teammates Pick Sides for Senseless Reasons
  • The Boom Box: A Deconstruction (with Professor Kerry Wood)
  • Your First Deal: How to Negotiate Your Trade Right From Your Locker!
  • Clubhouse Ethics and How to Avoid Them
  • How to Woo the Boss (team taught by Professors Jim Leyritz and Rick Cerone)
  • Make Your Influence Larger Than Your Talent
  • Woe Is Me: Trapped in the Losing Closet (Professor Carl Pickens' tour de force)
  • Coach's Plan Made Me Look Bad, Not My Exquisite Hackery
  • Race: The Only Card in Town! (with Professor Gary Sheffield)
  • How to Turn Your Clubhouse Lawyer Pedigree into a Political Career (an honors course taught by Mayor Craig Biggio)

With a kitchen run by Master Chef (and 1990 graduate) David Wells and transportation provided by the Jeff Kent (1992 graduate) Agency, you will live in luxury's velvety lap and get an advanced degree. Sign up now!
"With the Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law, you can get into the Baseball Hall of Fame and the Clubhouse Lawyers Hall of Fame! I would have got there sooner, but Ozzie was holding me back..." - Frank Thomas
(Note: no financial aid available. Payment due before graduation; policy enforced by 1999 graduate Michael Barrett.)

*Law degrees only valid in Dominican Republic, Venezuela, and New York City tabloids
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Matt Holliday's Face Pain Brings Pleasure To Colorado
Written by Matt Sussman   
Sunday, 07 October 2007

Batting Around is BC Sports' look back at the week's happenings in the world o' sports, presented in a lineup card format for some undisclosed reason.

The Lineup Card

1. LF Matt Holliday
2. SS Jimmy Rollins
3. SG Gilbert Arenas
4. QB Joey Harrington
5. PK Wes Byrum
6. LW Dean McAmmond
7. #16 Greg Biffle
8. FS Artis Chambers
9. SP Tom Glavine
Manager: Willie Randolph

1. LF Matt Holliday — Technically it was a "tiebreaker" game, and part of the regular season, and the expanded roster is still in play. Um, bullshit. Call it the "National League Wild Card semifinal." They earned the right to play an extra game, and it's played in October, broadcast on TBS, and they don't drag Cal Ripken from the sofa into the studio to talk about a regular season game, now do they?

In the NLWCS — yes, that's a good, solid acronym for the occasion — the Rockies' MVP candidate was in the middle of a 13th inning comeback against the San Diego Padres. Down two in the 13th, Troy Tulowitzki doubled in Kaz Matsui. Holliday tripled in Tulowitzki to tie the game 8-8, and Jamey Carroll hit a sac fly that scored Holliday ... well, maybe. The history books will mark down Holliday as scoring, and the cheering and ceremonial hats will dictate Holliday's run as capping off the win for Colorado in the NLWCS.

But replays showed that Padres catcher Michael Barrett appeared to have Holliday's hand from touching home plate. Umpire Tim McClellan — one of the finest balls-and-strikes men in the game — delayed his call of "safe" a few seconds, which one doesn't normally see.

Oh, and Holliday injured himself on the slide. So the Padres can take solace in the fact that, while Holliday may not have scored, his face really, really hurts. But he's okay — after about 10 minutes of being tended to in the clubhouse, he leaped back onto the field and joined in the super happy celebration.

(By the way, I can't say this is totally relevant, but the Rockies black home jerseys with white shoulder trim sure did resemble the umpires' uniforms.)

2. SS Jimmy Rollins — So you want the National League to have an MVP award, but you're too ashamed to vote for the Coors Field-inflated numbers of Matt Holliday? How about the Philadelphia Philles shortstop, whose lineup begins and ends with his production.

Like Curtis Granderson, he has 20 doubles, 20 triples, 20 home runs, and 20 stolen bases — the fourth player in major league history to do so. Unlike Curtis Granderson, Rollins has a T-shirt that says DIVISION CHAMPIONS.

3. SG Gilbert Arenas — We haven't even begun the NBA preseason and we're already talking about the cerebral heart and soul of the Washington Wizards. Agent Zero has grown weary of the summer lull and decided to launch an Internet cartoon.

No episodes are live on the site, because Arenas doens't think it's as good as Family Guy yet. Well then, try using more flashbacks and repeat the same jokes. Then have the lead character get into a 3-minute fight with a guy in a chicken costume.

4. QB Joey Harrington — You know what? Good for him. I can't think of a more awkward situation to be thrown into as a quarterback. He was asked to lead a football team because the team's original star quarterback enjoyed electrocuting dogs who lacked superior killing skills. Picture Mr. Burns' company softball team missing its All-Star players. Now picture Bobby Petrino tell Harrington, "I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have told you over the course of your lives, and go out there and win!"

You almost want to will a Kurt Warner-like MVP season out of him, but you know what he's done in the past — acceptable football that has yielded more losses than wins.

On Sunday, Harrington had an amazing game (23-for-29, 223 yards, 2 touchdowns) against the surprising Houston Texans, featuring last year's backup Falcons QB, Matt Schaub. His numbers resulted in a 26-16 win for the Falcons, the first of the year.

5. PK Wes Byrum — This may be an illegal call-to-arms, but could one of my readers drive down to Auburn, Alabama, sneak into Byrum's dorm room, and check to see if his testicles are in fact made of brass?

With mere seconds left on the clock, Byrum was thrown into a situation where a 43-yard field goal would have broken the 17-17 tie and given his Auburn Tigers the victory. A miss would have likely given the momentum to the No. 4 Florida Gators in overtime. And he Byrum kicked the damn field goal twice.

The first time was nullified because UF coach Urban Meyer called timeout immediately before the snap on that field goal attempt, in hopes of rattling the freshman kicker. I think Auburn nation would have forgiven the young lad for shanking his second try, because it's a huge moment in a big game. But he did sink the field goal, meaning the football powerhouse known as Florida has fallen to Auburn in consecutive years. How's that for braggin' rights?

6. LW Dean McAmmond — Here's your quote of the week, courtesy of the Ottawa Senators center after taking a shot in an exhibition game last week that knocked him out: "Everyone is saying I have concussion problems. I don't have concussion problems. I've got a problem with someone giving me traumatic blows to the head. That's what I have a problem with."

And to think, there are people out there without head injuries that have never reached this level of poignancy.

7. #16 Greg Biffle — Normally when a racer "coasts" to victory, it means he wins by a large margin. On Sunday, Biffle literally coasted to victory. He was running out of gas, and his fuel pick-up system wasn't working properly. Even though he was the fourth person to cross the finish line as the race was red-flagged (local favorite Clint Bowyer was first), the field was frozen prior to that, and with darkness cast upon Kansas Speedway, Biffle was eventually called the winner.

Sorry I couldn't explain it better, but, well, I don't think anybody can.

8. FS Artis Chambers — Aw, just when things get good for Michigan — three straight wins! — they have to go and find out that one of their freshman was ineligible for Big Ten play. The reserve safety played in the Penn State game and made all of one assisted tackle, but that might be enough to cause a forfeit of UM's 14-9 win over Penn State. (Chambers also played in the first three games, but they were not Big Ten games and therefore didn't fall under the same set of rules.)

Nightmare season, indeed.

9. SP Tom Glavine — In all fairness? that fielder's choice he induced Dan Uggla into was masterful.

Beyond that, the 300-game winner let the other eight Florida Marlins batters he faced reach base Sunday. And contrary to popular opinion, it is difficult to come back from a 7-0 deficit in baseball, even though some teams in the NFL accomplished that very feat on the same day. But the New York Mets are not a football team, and if they were, and they had a 7-game lead with 17 games to play, then they somehow cheated, because there are only 16 weeks in a season. Did I just blow your mind?

Manager: Willie Randolph — Because we're just as bad as the New York media, we'll ask the question too: Should the Mets' manager be fired for blowing a seven-game divisional lead with 17 games left in the season? It seems the consensus is that firing isn't the way to go, but he's certainly at fault.

Personally I could go either way. On one hand, his ERA was 0.00 down the stretch, but his batting average was also .000 with runners in scoring position.

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First They Drafted...
Written by Tuffy R. Tuffenstein   
Sunday, 30 September 2007

When the jackass fantasy owner drafted first and acted as if the pick was his God-given right and guaranteed his success,
I remained silent;
I was drafting seventh anyway.

When he offered a flurry of lopsided trades to the league and acted indignant when no one would trade with him in "this lameass dead league",
I remained silent;
I was not fooled.

When he finally found a sucker to trade with,
I did not speak out;
I was winning anyway.

When the jackass fantasy owner started churning through the waiver wire like a steamboat traipsing down the Mississippi and making it
impossible for anyone to pick up a player worth a damn without ruining their waiver ranking,
I remained silent;
I didn't have any injuries yet.

When he threw a hissy fit worthy of a spastic seven year old that just downed a 10-pack of Pixy Stix with a chaser of a case of Red Bull when
someone else tries to trade with his week's opponent that might marginally improve the opponent,
I did not speak out;
I was busy preparing to get my ass kicked by the other guy in the trade.

When he taunted the league relentlessly about his superiority in fantasy football and equated it with his superiority wooing and mating
with the opposite sex and suggested perhaps his competitors were less adept with the opposite sex, perhaps due to their latent desire to
mate with the same sex in a very painful and perhaps impossible manner,
I remained silent;
I knew his sexual experience was based mostly on the pity of a generous aunt.

When he crushed me in the head-to-head playoffs using the pilfered players, the canceled trades, and the trail of waived bodies,
There was no one left to speak out.

When he tried to buddy up with me after the season with a slap on the back and a "aw, c'mon, you're not gonna hold that against me, are ya, bro?",
I made sure they wouldn't find the body.

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Last Updated ( Sunday, 30 September 2007 )
 
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