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Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes...
Dear Tuffy,
I recently broke up with someone special and it ended... let's say "coldly". I think I've handled it rather maturely with one exception. He's really into 'his' sports teams. When his favorite teams come on the TV now, I stop to watch and openly root against them. I can't even say I was a big fan of some of these sports before I met him; I just can't resist screaming expletives at the screen.
I've never run into anything quite like this. Usually, my rituals involve carefully deleting phone numbers from drunk dialing reach and burning object left behind in a campfire. Is this healthy? Should I even be concerned? How much is too much?
Tussled in Tulsa
We all grieve in our own ways, Tuss. It's even more complicated when closure is hard to find. If you couldn't have a few cleansing screamfests before it all collapsed, you'll find something else to scream at until the urge passes. It's as healthy as any action after the loss of affection can be.
There are a few warning signs to file away, though. You have my permission to worry if you find you're committing these sins:
- Pulling up the rosters of his favorite teams and inventing salty nicknames for each player until your wit fails you and the remaining six players are known collectively as 'Cocksnuffle'
- Entering a bar favored by fans of his favorite team and pretending to get totally sloshed over the course of an evening before breaking into tears, shoving your glass aside, and blurting out, "That bastard (pointing to screen when one of the players is on) gave me genital warts and I still love him!" before running out while scratching appropriately
- Identifying the key rival to his favorite team and sleeping with the first fan of that rival you can find
- Identifying his favorite team's next opponent and sleeping with the first fan of that team you can find, continuing the trend through the regular season if it works the first time
- Recreating his favorite team's most heartbreaking moments in team history in stop-motion animation, using Play-Doh and Colorforms sets
- Posting the video on YouTube under the title "Losers on Parade"
- Convincing Rick Reilly to write a heartfelt column about how the sparkplug for your ex's favorite team valiantly fought through mild mental retardation as a child to succeed at the highest level of his sport while failing to mention that it may not be true (note: may work better on Mitch Albom)
- Joining a fantasy league just so you can draft all members of Cocksnuffle and release them the next day to let them know how it feels, y'know? How's that feel? How you like them apples, Cocksnuffle? Doesn't feel so good from that side, does it? Kneel before Zod, you sunuvab...
- Creating elaborate flowcharts that describe the order of consumption of his favorite team if their plane should crash land in the Andes and the food should run out before rescue
Of course, hanging onto your animus too long is an excellent sign that you might need to get back out in the dating world. You don't want to build up a repertoire of hated teams larger than the ones you root for; that kind of negativity helps no one.
(Exception: Chelsea. I mean, seriously. Screw Chelsea. Cheating bastards. Drogba gave me genital warts.) No one has commented on this article. |