Technically I had religious reasons for putting "Batting Around" on a two-week hiatus. So if you complain about it, consider yourself intolerant of others' religions. 

The Lineup Card

1. QB Tony Romo
2. MF Kaká
3. KR Devin Hester
4. SS Miguel Tejada
5. RB Maurice Jones-Drew
6. PG Steve Nash
7. F Carter Camper
8. WR Greg Camarillo
9. SP Dan Haren
Coach: Rich Rodriguez

1. QB Tony Romo — As I discussed on Sunday's GlossLip Radio, the reason for Tony Romo's three-interception, zero-touchdown setback at home against 11-point underdog Philadelphia was because the Eagles attacked Dallas with multiple blitz packages. Right? Right!?

No, wait. It was Jessica Simpson's fault. That's right, Simpson constantly rushed Romo and put him on his back, giving him little time to escape. Of course, this happened the night previous, long before the opening kickoff.

2. MF Kaká — Frighteningly aware I'm much older than 12 — and not just because I've been told on several occasions I'm too large to go into the ball pit — I'm just gonna sidestep the fact that his name is Kaká. Although I'm told the emphasis is on the second "ka," much like the word cacao. The more you know.

I've also learned that the A.C. Milan midfielder was voted Footballer of the Year. To Americans, that means he's the world's best soccer player. In essentially a runaway of the prestigious FIFA trophy, he garnered more votes combined than runners up Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo, who are no slouches at the beautiful game. Although I don't know if Kaká can top Ronaldo in number of prostitutes solicited.

What are his credentials? Well, 10 goals in the Champions League, leading A.C. Milan to the championship, oughta count. And it does.

Heh. Kaká. (I did my best to restrain. Almost made it to the next item.)

3. KR Devin Hester — New idea, in case people actually wise up and fail to kick to the Chicago Bears' studly kick returner.

What is a kick return, really? A player gets the ball in the open field and instills trust in 10 blocking teammates to dash through 11 oncoming tacklers. Is it really necessary to wait for a punt or, worse, the other team scoring to witness such a play? A team should do it on their own terms. So here's my proposition for the Bears, drawn up in a graphic that makes 10-Yard Fight look sophisticated:

Seven men on the line of scrimmage, per NFL rules. Three men in the backfield to block. And the large black dot? Well, that's Hester. The long snapper directs it to either the center upback, or to Hester himself. And then No. 34 just runs atwitter.

Yes, this could result in a 10-yard loss. But the other option is for a Chicago Bears quarterback to throw it deep. So consider: The percentage of returns Devin Hester converted into touchdowns is 6.8 percent. That same percentage of all offensive plays by Chicago Bears is 2.3 percent. Play the odds, Lovie Smith.

4. SS Miguel Tejada — Did you know the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary? Go on, Houston Astros, look it up. You'll be pleasantly surprised.

While you research that, we'll talk about that trade you made with the Baltimore Orioles, acquiring the All-Star shortstop in exchange for five players, none of which are remotely tantalizing. A potential offseason "steal" turned into a "gotcha." Tejada was — ta-da! — named in the Mitchell Report.

Hey Houston, your shoes are untied.

5. RB Maurice Jones-Drew — There may have been more crucial drives in the NFL, and certainly more exciting and thrilling ones. But in the Jacksonville Jaguars' 29-22 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday afternoon, J'ville put together what might have been the most dominating, demoralizing, and humiliating drive of the NFL this year.

Most offensive drives that result in points — discounting those with big yardage plays — usually last 10 plays. Fifteen is considered a long time. This one went 20 — twenty — plays over a span of 9:40 to start the third quarter.

Jones-Drew might have been the MVP of the drive. Twice in the drive were 4th-and-1 situations, and the 5'7", 212-pound Jones-Drew busted through for the conversion each time.

Jones-Drew's 69 yards on 12 carries were overshadowed by Fred Taylor's 147 yards and touchdown score, but the combination of Taylor and Jones-Drew amassed over 200 yards. Against Pittsburgh. In Pittsburgh. In the snow. New England might be the team to beat in the AFC, but if I'm a team in those playoffs, I sure as hell don't want to play Jacksonville, even in the elements.

6. PG Steve Nash — I could type out the latest Batting Sixth Quote Of The Week, but why not let it come straight from the Phoenix Suns point guard's mouth, which also contained a tooth which was chipped in the first half:

7. F Carter Camper — Whoa! A hockey sighting! College hockey, no less! The second-ranked Miami RedHawks beat down the 16th ranked Rensselaer Engineers 7-3 and 5-1. Camper, just a freshman, had a combined three goals and two assists in the weekend sweep at RPI. Four of those five points were in Saturday's 7-3 come-from-behind victory.

Yes, Miami was actually down at some point in that 7-3 win. They were down 3-1, in fact, but rattled of five unanswered goals in the third period. More of the same went down Sunday, as Miami outdueled RPI 4-0 in the final frame. So in all, kids, do the math: the RedHawks outscored the Engineers 9-0 in the third period. Very good! Now you can ride the Zamboni.

8. WR Greg Camarillo — Going out on a limb here, folks. This is the only time you'll see a Greg Camarillo reference in Batting Around.

But hats off to him for catching Cleo Lemon's pass in overtime and running 64 yards with it to the end zone to secure a 22-16 victory for the Miami Dolphins over the Baltimore Ravens. The team was joyous! The owner was crying tears of joy! And it put them at ... 1-13.

Last week on Treehouse Fort we said Ravens coach Brian Billick might deserve to be fired if he were to lose to the Dolphins. He had a great chance to win twice, actually. The second time was a 44-yard field goal that normally reliable kicker Matt Stover shanked, but the Ravens were also a ½-yard away from a touchdown with seconds left on the clock. Billick opted for the 19-yard field goal to tie the game up.

Wait ... this item's about Greg Camarillo, isn't it? Man, if he can't even carry his own weight in his own spot in the lineup, there's no way he'll make it into future installments.

9. SP Dan Haren — Oh, you thought it was going to be Roger Clemens! That's because you're sneak-reading the Mitchell Report hidden inside that Penthouse. I'm onto you.

Haren was arguably the second best pitcher available to suitors behind Johan "Shootin' Cy Youngs In A Barrel" Santana, and he was shipped from the Oakland A's to, wait for it ... the Arizona Diamondbacks. Zuh?

Of all the weaknesses in the D'backs armor, never did I think starting pitching depth was one of them. Casey Daigle is not the fifth starter, ergo they're satisfactory on that front. But Haren pushes (I would imagine) Juan Cruz out the rotation, joining Brandon Webb, Doug Davis, Micah Owings, and Randy Johnson. So hey, that's great to see a dangerous starting five, but, well, Chris Young is still a starting outfielder on a team. Might want to do something about that.

Coach: Rich Rodriguez — In a previous iteration of Batting Around, I felt a sizable shred of remorse for Michigan football and their coaching situation. But it appears Michigan athletic director Bill Martin did not heed my advice to hire Grand Valley State coach Chuck Martin. And after chasing the tail of LSU's Les Miles and Rutgers' Greg Schiano, only to come up with a dust cloud of disappointment, they finally struck gold in them thar' uncultivated hills of West Virginia.

Remorse retracted.

It took a $4 million buyout, but Rodriguez is now leaving his cherished alma mater in the dead of the night to man the helm of Ann Arbor's finest. Obviously the Wolverine faithful are ecstatic about the move, but in another sense I feel extremely sorry — more so than I ever did with Michigan this season — for the West Virginia Mountaineers. UWV was one quarterback thumb away, presumably, from playing in the BCS championship game against Ohio State, and now they are "settling" for the Fiesta Bowl against Oklahoma without the man who transformed Morgantown's area football team into a national contender.

Granted, there are no signs to indicate Michigan will necessarily fail under the RichRod era, but now those couches burning throughout the night in West Virginia now act as a never-ending vigil to commemorate the loss of their favorite son. But I'm sure by next Tuesday the vigil will transition seamlessly into a effigy.

God, I hope Michigan meets up with West Virginia in a bowl game next year. That would be amazing.